A Case Study in Perspectives and Priorities

I dedicate this post on my blog to my uncle, Chaim Perl of blessed memory, who suddenly passed away on Leil Shabbos, August 15, 2014.

Ready or not, Elul is here. Elul is the time to finally stop kicking the can down the road. This past year on Rosh Hashanah, many of us were inspired to engage in self-improvement in one way or another. For some of us it was in the area of our relationship with G-d; this would be the year that our engagement with prayer and Torah study would significantly improve. For others, it was the focus on improving relationships. The myriad of relationships we have in life are often complex and troubled.  It takes a significant investment of commitment, time and energy to ensure that the relationships we have with our spouse, parents, and children are healthy and meaningful.

Despite all the good intentions we may have had at the onset of the year, we find ourselves bogged down with daily routines.  Life is busy and we get distracted easily.  Often times the distractions need to be dealt with immediately.  Keeping our priorities straight and not lose perspective is challenging.  We get confronted with situations that can be so stressful that it knocks us off our mark and we forget about our priorities and the perspectives that we had on Rosh Hashanah.

I am writing this shortly after leaving the shiva that observed the passing of a man I thought I knew. This man was my uncle who suddenly passed away and left behind his grieving wife and six children. His children spoke with pain in their voices but with a deep sense of pride about the man that was their dad. As I left the shiva home I reflected about my uncles rock solid priorities and perspectives.

He had many priorities, but he always put his family first. At 5:30 am, he went to pick up my elderly grandfather to drive him to synagogue so he could attend a pre dawn Talmud class. Afterwards, he drove to attend the Talmud study program that he participated in. Despite the many hours he spent in business, he was always there to go over homework with his kids every evening. In an age where there is not nearly enough times that children hear and feel they were loved, there was no doubt that his family felt the intense love. His wife reflected that in 30 years of marriage, he was home for every Shabbos with the exception of four.

When it came time to select a shul to daven in, he had one criteria -- he must have room for all of his sons to sit next to him. In an age where many  people select the shul based upon the best kiddush club or who they can socialize with, this is all the more unusual.

Even when it came to legitimate grievances that many people have within the Orthodox Jewish community, he maintained the proper perspective.

The issue of rising tuition cost for yeshiva day schools has frustrated many and caused much anger in our communities. My uncle simply told me that the fact that he pays tuition for six children in the yeshiva day school system is the best investment. He and his wife were investing in the long term spiritual growth of their kids.

Rest in peace, dear uncle. Your days in this world were few and finite. Your days in the  world of truth , undoubtedly, will be eternal and infinite.

Happy Mother's Day !!!

Happy Mother’s Day !

I dedicate this blog post to my mother for all of her unconditional love that she provided for our family.

One of the most important day for florists and chocolate makers  is this Sunday which is of course is Mother’s Day. Originally when Anne Jarvis started the campaign for mother’s day to be an official holiday, it was met with resistance and did not come with any commercial association. Mother’s Day quickly caught on because of Jarvis’s zealous letter writing and promotional campaigns across the country and the world.

However, as with many worthy endeavors this met some firm resistance. In 1909 several senators mocked the very idea of a Mother’s Day holiday. Senator Henry Moore Teller scorned the resolution as "absolutely absurd”.  He announced, "Every day with me is a mother's day." Senator Jacob Gallinger judged the very idea of Mother's Day to be an insult, as though his memory of his late mother "could only be kept green by some outward demonstration on Sunday, May 10."

This didn't deter Jarvis. She enlisted the help of organizations like the World’s Sunday School Association, and the holiday sailed through Congress with little opposition in 1914.

The floral industry wisely supported Jarvis’s Mother’s Day movement. She accepted their donations and spoke at their conventions. With each subsequent Mother’s Day, the wearing of carnations became a must-have item. Florists across the country quickly sold out of white carnations around Mother’s Day—newspapers told stories of hoarding and profiteering. The floral industry later came up with an idea to diversify sales by promoting the practice of wearing red or bright flowers in honor of living mothers, and white flowers for deceased moms.

Jarvis soon soured on the commercial interests associated with the day. She wanted Mother’s Day “to be a day of sentiment, not profit.” Beginning around 1920, she urged people to stop buying flowers and other gifts for their mothers, and she turned against her former commercial supporters. She referred to the florists, greeting card manufacturers and the confectionery industry as “charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations.”

That being said, it is important to have a day that recognizes the true heroes on this planet. I am referring to all the moms out there. They invest sleepless nights for the betterment of their kids. They provide physical and emotional care that each child can thrive in their environment.

There are so many things in life that may seem obvious but are left unsaid. We are so busy that many times it is the most basic things like hugging our kids or saying” I Love you “ that  fall through the cracks. For those of us that are fortunate to have our mom around, let us take advantage of this day and not lose the opportunity to thank our moms for everything they have done for us.

I have included a video for you to watch this week. Please share your thoughts.

Are the Winter Olympics Sexist ?

I remember the thrill I had the first time I watched the Winter Olympics. The 1988 games were held in Calgary and as a young proud Canadian I was so excited that the coveted games were in Canada. There was the “Battle of the Brian’s” in the men’s figure skating. Brian Orser was representing Canada and he was going up against his main rival, Brian Boitano from the U.S.A. I remember feeling disappointed when Boitano outskated Orser for the gold medal.

In 1994, the anticipation leading up to the women’s figure skating was unmatched in terms of drama and suspense. Nancy Kerrigan was physically attacked by accomplices of her teammate Tonya Harding.  Kerrigan recovered and went on to win the silver medal and become a national hero.

I look forward to the games every four years. Or should I?

I have noticed over the years there is a growing difference in terms of the intensity of competition between men and women’s events, governed by the International Olympic Committee at the Olympics. Consider the following:

·         In biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting. The women compete in a 7.5K sprint, a 10K individual pursuit, a 15K individual race, a 12.5K mass start and a 4x6K relay. The men's distances for the same races are 10K, 12.5K, 20K, 15K and 4x7.5K.

·         Cross-country has a similar story, where the men's races are anywhere from 50% to 100% longer than the women's. The longest women's race is 30 KM. The men go 50 KM.

·          In long-track speed skating, the men's longest race is 10,000 meters. The women's is 5,000 meters. In short track, the men skate a 5,000-meter relay; the women go 3,000 meters.

·               The first Olympic women's ski-jumping competition, was scheduled this week for the first time ever, at the Winter Games on a normal hill whereas the men have three competitions—normal hill, large hill and a team event.

The International Olympic committee responded to The Wall Street Journal’s request for an explanation about the differences between the men and women at the games.

Sandrine Tonge, a spokesman for the IOC, wrote: “The Olympic Sports program is established with the active contribution of the international federations and contains similarities and distinctions between the two genders. In cross country and biathlon for example, there are similarities in sprints while traditionally, the long distances are shorter for women.”

(This is only partly true. The women’s sprint Tuesday was 1.3 kilometers compared with the 1.8 kilometer men’s track, a nearly 40% difference.)

What is going on here? In the enlightened world of 2014, why are there are such gaps in the standards of the competition ? Is the IOC suggesting that men are in superior physical shape and can handle more intense competition? Or is there an unspoken understanding that there are physical differences between men and women with no gender being superior and that would result in different expectations standards for the respective sports?

I am asking this question because it seems to me that Orthodox Judaism is increasingly being accused of being sexist and gender bias towards women. This has come under the microscope lately with two Jewish schools allowing women to wear tefilin. We are being told that there should be no differences in terms of mitzvah obligations for men and women. To suggest otherwise and say that there are differences between the genders for tallis, tefilin, and minyan is being interpreted by some that women do not count as being important.

That is quite unfortunate because Orthodox Judaism does not just respect women. We revere women. We also recognize that not only do men and women have physical differences but they have spiritual differences and that while no gender is superior; there are different spiritual needs that are nourished by different mitzvos for the different genders.

Is it possible to view this sensitive and delicate issue this way or not?

In any case, I am still looking forward to the Winter Games, especially Team Canada sweeping the gold in both men's and women's hockey.

Please share your thoughts.

What Would You Do If You Found $98,000 ?

Are you ever in a situation where you know what the right thing is but it is difficult to actually make that decision? Do you feel that sometimes you may compromise your values because that moment caught you off guard? If you answered yes, Mazel Tov, you are a human being that has challenges that you have to work out.

Every once in a while, we hear a story that we can only marvel that someone had the courage, strength, and character to do the “right thing” when it is so tempting to do otherwise and yet chose wisely. I am thinking of the recent story with a young rabbi in New Haven, Connecticut.

Rabbi Noach Muroff had been searching the online classified listings for a desk for his office, finally finding one that met his needs several days before Rosh Hashana.  Folding down the rear seats in his minivan, he went to pick up the desk, which he purchased from its original owner for $150.

“It fit perfectly into my van but when we got home, it was about a quarter of an inch too big to fit into my office,” Rabbi Muroff said.  “It was crazy that it didn't fit by such a small amount.  We tried taking the hinges off the door, but it didn’t work.”

Instead, he unscrewed the top of the desk, and after doing so, noticed a white plastic shopping bag wedged in behind one of the desk’s side filing cabinets.

“We took out the bag and we could see that there was money inside,” said Rabbi Muroff.

In fact, the bag was stuffed with neatly bundled stacks of one hundred dollar bills.

“We brought it to the table and counted it out and there was $98,000,” said Rabbi Muroff.  “It was me, my wife and a friend who was here and we looked at it each other and said, ‘this can’t be real.  This only happens in the movies.’

There was never a question about what to do with the money.

“My wife and I both knew immediately that we would return it,” explained R’ Muroff.  “When I was picking up the desk, the lady, who wasn't Jewish, told me that she had bought the desk at Staples and put it together herself.  We knew the money was hers and she was speechless when we called her to tell her we had found it.”

According to Rabbi Muroff, the original owner of the desk, a middle aged woman identified only as Patty, knew that she had hidden her nest egg in the desk but was unable to locate it when it fell behind the filing cabinet.  Assuming the money had to be somewhere else in her house, the woman sold the desk, never once suspecting that it still contained her life’s savings.

“If we hadn’t had to take the desk apart we never would have found it,” observed Rabbi Muroff.

Rabbi Muroff, returned to the woman’s house the next day with his wife and four small children.

“We took the kids along because we thought it was a good opportunity to teach them about being honest,” said Rabbi Muroff.

In a world which we continue to shocked by senseless acts of violence and cruelty, it is refreshing to see someone not only perform a great mitzvah of returning a lost object but also inspiring others to be honest and ethical.

I hope and pray that more can follow the path of this righteous man.

Reacting to False Perceptions

Have you ever been confronted with a perception of a situation that is off the mark or even completely false? I find this to be very upsetting and frustrating. For example, whenI see news report of soldiers from the Israel Defense Forces portrayed in various propaganda outlets in a negative light, it is very upsetting.

The question though is, do we just dismiss this perception as foolish and basically do nothing or do we have to be proactive in combating these false perceptions ?

  

I think we see a fascinating lesson from this weeks parsha regarding this. The Torah emphasizes in the first verse of the parsha not once but twice that Isaac was the son of Abraham. Rashi explains the necessity for this. It so happens to be that for many decades that Abraham and Sarah were married and they were unable to have kids. Once Sarah was kidnapped by a tribal king named Avimelech and spent the night in his palace. Avimelech was afflicted with an illness and decided to release Sarah. Shortly after, Sarah was starting to show signs of pregnancy. All the tabloids and late night TV shows started whispering rather loudly that Avimelech had fathered the child that Sarah was carrying. G-d made this special miracle that their son Isaac looked identical to Abraham.

I have often wondered, why did God go to such great lengths to prove the tabloids wrong? Who cares what was being written in the gossip columns or in the monologue of the late night TV shows? Why respond to such pathetic allegations?

I think we learn from here a very important thing about how to deal with a false perception. We must be proactive in combating these perceptions before they take a life of their own. We must articulate why they are false and then make the case for what is the correct version of the events. As King Solomon wrote we must find grace in the eyes of God and Man. Of course, Man cannot be compared to God. Yet, there is a mandate for us to demonstrate that all of our actions are ethical in the eyes of Man and if there is a false perception – we must take the pains of correcting this.

If God felt this was important with the allegation about the identity of Isaac’s father – what can we say?

Please share your thoughts.

Losing with Dignity

There is no question about it. We all want to win and win big. It’s a great feeling coming out on top after a hard fought competition. The reality in life is that losing is inevitable. No baseball team ever went 162-0 in a season. The 1972 Miami Dolphins are unique in the world of sports precisely because they were the only team even to go unbeaten in one season in the NFL.

I won’t address the issue of how a defeat or setback can be transformed into a learning opportunity. That will be the subject of a future post on this blog. I want to focus on how we can learn how to accept defeat with grace. This is definitely not an easy thing, but it’s one of those things that separate the men from the boys.

There is a fascinating story in the Talmud that reflects this idea. Prior to the destruction of the Beis Hamkidash (Temple) in Jerusalem, the Romans imposed a siege around the Holy City. The leading rabbi of that generation, Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai was smuggled out in a coffin after faking his death to the other side of the city walls. Over the objection of a local Jewish militia he wanted to negotiate with the Romans. He met the Roman general and addressed him with great respect. The general was very impressed with the rabbi and asked him what I can do for you!

Let’s stop for a moment there. If you had the opportunity to speak to the military leader of the invading army and he is willing to grant your request, I think it is a no brainer – call off the siege and spare the Holy City and all of its residents of the coming onslaught. Yet, that is not what the rabbi asked for. He asked for three modest requests including that the rabbinic court in Yavneh called the Sanhedrin be spared from the attack. A short time later the Romans invaded Jerusalem destroyed the Temple, killed many of its citizens and exiled the others.

Did Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai miss a golden opportunity? Why didn't he just ask for Jerusalem to be spared? Why not capitalize on the moment?

We learn a powerful lesson from here. Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai was teaching us how to lose with dignity. He knew that the Romans had decided that they were going into destroy Jerusalem. He figured he should salvage whatever he could. He asked for the Sanhedrin in Yavneh to be spared. In retrospect, this turned out to be a brilliant move. The fact that the Sanhedrin survived guaranteed the survival of the Jewish people through Jewish Education.

One of the best parts of watching a football game is watching the losing coach congratulate the winning coach with a handshake or hug after the game.

It is not fun to lose, but losing with dignity and grace can be more meaningful than  a win.

Please share your thoughts.

Are you willing to settle for the status quo ?

We are faced with challenges of all kind throughout our lives. Sometimes we are faced with personal challenges that can cause us to do much reflecting and soul searching. Yet there are times that as a nation we must pause and reflect if the direction we are going in is viable or do the challenges that surround us threaten that.

I am not referring to the U.S Government shutdown that due to the intransigence of various elected officials left much of the federal government closed for nearly two weeks. That is probably worth exploring a different time. I would entitle that post – Are The Founding Fathers Rolling in their Graves?

I am referring to the much debated survey of American Jews that was released by the Pew Institute.

The proportion of Jews who say they have no religion and are Jewish only on the basis of ancestry, ethnicity or culture is growing rapidly, and two-thirds of them are not raising their children Jewish at all.

Other notable findings were :

Overall, the intermarriage rate is at 58 percent, up from 43 percent in 1990 and 17 percent in 1970. Among non-Orthodox Jews, the intermarriage rate is 71 percent.

* Overall, 22 percent of U.S. Jews describe themselves as having no religion, and the survey finds they are much less connected to Jewish organizations and much less likely to be raising their children Jewish. Broken down by age, 32 percent of Jews born after 1980 — the so-called millennial generation — identify as Jews of no religion, compared to 19 percent of baby boomers and just 7 percent of Jews born before 1927.

* Emotional attachment to Israel has held steady over the last decade, with 69 percent of respondents saying they feel attached or very attached to Israel. Forty-three percent of respondents said they had been to Israel.

* Far more respondents said having a good sense of humor was essential to their Jewish identity than observing Jewish law — 42 percent compared to 19 percent.

* Approximately one-quarter of Jews said religion is very important in their lives, compared to 56 percent among Americans generally.

* Less than one-third of American Jews say they belong to a synagogue. Twenty-three percent of U.S. Jews say they attend synagogue at least once or twice a month, compared with 62 percent of U.S. Christians.

So my question is do we just accept this or can we actually do something about this? I am firmly believe this is the test of our generation. Those of us that are fortunate to appreciate the richness and beauty of Judaism should think long and hard about how we can make a positive difference in the lives of Jews who have not experienced the beauty of our heritage.
It all can begin with the action of an individual. If you have the opportunity to invite someone for a Shabbos meal – seize the moment. You never know how the dormant spark of another Jewish soul can be ignited when it is exposed to the beauty of a Shabbos table.
I think about this even more as we learn about Avraham in the weekly portion. If there was a Pew survey in his lifetime on this issue, it would have been even more depressing. After all there were less G-d fearing people in his generation than ours. Yet, he refused to surrender to the status quo and declared – I will make a meaningful difference in the world today  by reaching out to my fellow man and touching them with kindness and G-d’s values.
We have a choice to make. We can either just ignore the reality of our generation or we can declare ourselves to be aligned with Avraham and his legacy. In the battle between assimilation of U.S. Jewry and the will of the descendants of Avraham --- I am putting my money on the latter.

Please share your thoughts.